It's official. I'm stuck.
See, I always thought of myself as one of those moms. The women that let their children cry in the hopes that they'll eventually cry themselves to sleep. And I'm not like many who say, "my heart hurts when they cry". I'm usually just exasperated at the background noise. I yearn for a quiet home. One I can hear the wind chimes in, take a little nap maybe. And I also yearn for the sleep I know that Henry needs. But no. Not my house. Not my son. My mom said I was quietly strong willed as a child. Well my son is loudly consistent. Crying it out has not gone well. Mostly from my lack of consistency.
I let him cry it out all day Monday, for every nap. And all I ended up with was a cranky, unhappy, exhausted baby. Tuesday I couldn't bring myself to do it again. He was just so snuggly and content in my arms. I let him fall asleep in my arms and then would transfer him to his crib. He napped better, he was happier, it just made sense.
Yesterday I was determined. Okay, I'm not one of those moms, I'm okay with my decision to rock him to sleep. But he was sick. He had a bad a tummy ache all day, didn't eat, screamed off and on all day.
Then today, out of need to accomplish my things I've let him cry.
(hence the double blog today)
As I sit here, trying to work out in my head what to do, and as I write this, I realize I'm putting my needs in front of his. Is it more important that I get that load of laundry done? Or that my son has a good nap? Is it more important that sit and read blogs, or unload the dish washer, while my son cries? Who is it better for? Me or him?
Some say it's cruel, inhumane to let a newborn cry.
Others say it's good for them, it's exercise.
Tell that to my son.
It's been a hour people.
An hour.
And I give up.
17 comments:
I keep forgetting to ask, did Henry fit into his Halloween onsie I got him? I want a picture if he did : )
Oh you are going to get a lot of advice on this one! :) It's hard to figure out how to handle a fussy, crying, or even screaming baby. But the fact that you are evaluating again and again how to handle it shows you are a good mommy. That picure of Henry is adorable!
how old is he now?
When all else fails ask Cesar!!
"Exercise, discipline and then affection"
Though this is meant towards dogs, I think that it can also be applied in the right mind as a parent. Parent's are not friends first, they are not partners or buddy's they are guardians and protectors and providers first. It's the love and affection that we have for our childern that motivate us to do those things.
Exercise, let the little guy exercise those lungs, crying has never hurt a baby, it has only worn mothers and fathers ears before it has affected a child. It could be argued that it might hinder some sort of development..., but honestly do you remember if you're mom let you cry, or if they came to your every whimper.
Discipline, you're probably thinking, how can I discipline my baby for crying, that doesn't even make sense, you're right...but their is more than one kind of discipline. This can be applied to you the parent. It takes severe discipline as a parent to let your child cry. It goes against every instinct we have as parents, but just as this Henry's first time in the rodeo, it's your as well. You're learning just as much as he is right now about each other and the roles that each of you have. (This is all really in the unconscious, non-surface kind of learning)
Affection, this is the easy one. If he cries during his entire nap time, then at least he'll have a great night sleep (in theory). Loving your child means sometimes doing what they don't want do. He want's to be held now, so do you do it?? That's your choice, but when you're kid wants to go driving with a buddy who you know has a drinking problem do you allow it?? I know they aren't on the surface the same situation, and can not really be compared, but underneath... it goes back to the discipline, affection theory. It's takes lots of discipline as a parent sometimes to be loving and affectionate, even when you don't think that you are...
Does that make any sense?? Does any of this make any sense?? I don't even have kids?? What's this guy talking about?? How can that guy even speak about something he himself is not ready to commit to...??
Just my random thoughts on the matter!!
Lorie, I think above all you should trust YOUR instincts. You are the mommy and no one knows your sweet baby better than you do.
:) ((hugs)) and prayers and love,
Rachel
This hits close to home. Before I became a parent I swore up and down I'd have absolutely no issue with letting Indy cry it out for sleeping. I watched my brother do it with his kids, it worked great and it was my plan. And I did follow it but not how I pictured it.
I believe in a thing called the 4th trimester. Basically it is the theory that for the first 3 months (or so) out of the womb your baby is simply adjusting to being separated from you. You can not spoil a baby in this stage and holding them all the time, rocking to sleep ect. is not going to ruin them for baby hood sleep training.
Where I went wrong with Indy was when she was about 3 1/2 months she was clearly showing signs of confident separation from me. She would sometimes fall asleep on her own if I put her in her bed with a mobile playing and stayed in the room. I didn't respond to these signs by deciding to sleep train her but instead continued to cuddle her to sleep and let her decide when and how she was going to sleep. When she was around 7 months we were exasperated and exhausted with night waking and inconsistent day time napping...oh and contrary to logic less sleep during the day does not equal better or more sleep at night, in fact it is often the opposite. Sleep begets sleep so the better naps they take the better nights they will have eventually. Anyway, long story short I picked up the book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child (can't remember the author at the moment) and it was amazing. The author gives really good practical advice for when and how to train your child to sleep on their own and offers a no cry and a cry it out option. From experience I will tell you that for our girl the cry it out option worked best because she needed the 10 minutes of crying before going to sleep to wind herself down. I think you just have to watch the signs in your boy and see what best suits him.
Wow am I long winded or what? Sleep has been a big thing here. We worked hard at 7 months and had a wonderful amazing consistent napper and night sleeper who went to bed on her own and would sleep for long periods (2-3 hr. naps and 12 hr. nights) Now we are in a big girl bed and on to a whole new level of sleep training but I've referred back to the book and it has been helpful again.
This can be such a frustrating issue. I pray that you find what fits for Henry because ultimately all children are so very different so finding and fitting his particular needs without losing yourself in the process is what really matters.
I wish you all the best:)
Lorie, in my opinion, wait til he's a little older to cry it out. I also agree with the 4th trimester as mentioned above. I know its exhausting when they just won't sleep. I would put Ryan down and let him cry too because I had tried everything else. I just had a colicy little guy with reflux and nothing worked. I started letting him learn to self soothe gradually and would let him cry it out, 5 minutes at a time when he was about 6 months. With Ryan, I never knew if he was just crying because he wanted me or if his reflux was acting up so I was a basket case with making decisions about what to do. If you ever want to talk about it, give me a call.
My comments are two-fold:first with the whole shower post--I hear imaginery baby cries when I shower, regardless of whether or not anyone is crying! I figure though, once I'm in the shower and am wet, I am committed to the shower--there is no going back!
Now for Henry's sleep issues--I would never tell you what to do(very personal decision), but I would like to offer some encouragement. All my boys were terrible sleepers for the first 3-4 months, and I just let them do whatever.They all have turned out to be great sleepers. Even now--Ollie is 4.5 months old and he's been going down great-every time I see him yawn(11 and 2), I put him in his crib and he goes to sleep on his own. I'm sure Henry will do the same, in time. Hang in there!
an hour i never made it past five minutes
Oh...Lorie, how I can relate! Aubrey used to nap in the bouncer while I showered, because I couldn't handle the imaginary baby cries I kept hearing. I was never going to be the cry it out girl...I was all about soothing her...I worked on the E-A-S-Y thing and she was pretty good at it until our trip to Washington and Christmas chaos happened. (see my very first blog last January)
Tips that helped ME feel sane (may not work for you...to each, their own)
1. I take a shower early when Justin is still here to help. I know it's early and you're tired, but napping is always an option and you'll feel so much more refreshed.
2. I never let her cry more than 10 minutes without a little soothing. - I actually got this advice from the baby whisperer. Cry for 10 min. give paci and soothe with words touching, but I didn't take her out of her crib. I just let her know I was there and she was safe. Cry another 5 min. soothe...repeat cycle. After a couple of days, she got it and it would only take 5 min.
--She still fusses for naps occassionally (never at bed time)- but never needs to cry it out more than 10 minutes before she goes to sleep (with the paci, of course :) )
3. I've accepted that EVERY baby is different. That Aubrey likes her mommy, is a tad high maintenance, and that just because other people make it seem like figuring it all out is a breeze, doesn't mean it's going to be. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU, WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE SUCCEEDING!
Lorie, you're a wonderful mommy and this stage will soon pass.
Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, encouragement, advice.
I've taken it all to heart.
Lots to chew on.
And David, how the HECK did you get so smart??? Um, maybe you should have a kid...=)
wow, you got some great advice. So I won't even say anything more, just that I hope it gets better for you soon. It WILL! :)
you're such a good little mommy. I can't wait to meet your boy next week.
Just throw him in the closet and head off to Target. I'll meet you there. You should see all the cute Christmas ornaments and decor! Day-after-Christmas scoping for our big morning out. Meet me at Starbucks at 6 am! HAHAHAHAH! Sleep? What's that anyway?
you know in baby class they always told us you cant spoil a baby...my problem now is i still think my two year old is a baby
Gee this is obnoxious, adding to all of the already-amazing advice, but I just feel your pain, and as much of a non-by-the-book girl as I am, I went by the book for the sleep! Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth- if you are so inclined, please do get it. This guy is a sleep expert, a dr, and dang- he just saved my life. Ok, commercial over. You are a beautiful AND succeeding Mommy!
i feel like its all been said and i think you should go by your own mommy instincts. different parents and babies work different ways. sometimes its hard to not feel like youre doing something wrong becos you do it a different way than all the moms around you. i put lijah in his bassinet when hes either drowsy or already asleep and then once he wakes up for his 2am feeding i just keep him in bed and we cosleep. this seems to be pretty unpopular around here but it works for us so i try to not let peoples opinion get to me. it really is about what works for you guys and trying different methods is ok. hes still really tiny and young. all of us will make mistakes and have to deal with it later. thats ok.
and yes, lets do coffee!
grams comments? I love you and Henry!
Post a Comment