Come Thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of God's unchanging love.
I’m trying to process all that is in my heart tonight.
Forgive the disjointed thoughts.
I’m at a loss on how to proceed.
Not knowing how to move on.
Do I pretend it never happened.
Block the good along with the bad?
Do I cut those chapters out of my life?
It would be so much easier if that life wasn't so intertwined with mine.
My heart is heavy. Confused. I so wish to take scissors to my past. Cutting away the face that haunts me. I'm broken. And angry. Angry at the aftermath that is left behind; left for us, the discarded, to sweep up the pieces. It breaks my heart over and over to see the hurt in someone I love so dearly.
"My greatest hope and biggest fear". His words haunt me.
How to pray in a situation like this? Obviously for healing. First and foremost for healing. But also that somehow, those dark, broken pieces would be formed into something beautiful. Like shards of glass coming together to create a masterpiece. Crafted by the great Artist. The only one who can use our brokenness for good; His good.
Picture after picture of the last five years before me. It was never an easy road. A heavy burden to bear more times than not. Yet now that it's gone, the burden is heavier, more painful, awkward. It causes strain on all who bore witness to it. And I am conflicted. To be relieved for it to be over. To be grieved by the destruction it's ending brought.
Let that grace now like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
Forgive my anger Lord. Forgive the hurt. Heal the brokenness and allow your goodness to overflow in our lives.
10 comments:
Oh, sweet Lorie. You know that I understand the pain that such relationships bring... it is such a struggle. So often we pray for it to just be over so that everything can be "fine"... but then when it is over, a fresh new crop of angry, hurtful, ugly emotions arise... it is hard to know what to feel and what is right and what is wrong.
Although we can so simply delete the photographic memories of our past, we can't erase the raw emotions that live on in our hearts long after the painful words or white-hot daggers have been plunged into our hearts. And while cleaning out your hard drive will obviously help to relieve the pain just a smidge for now, it is only He who can truly heal us. Unfortunately, I always try to find it hard to pray for healing when all I can feel is pure anger and betrayal. It always distresses me how thousands of words from those I love most are so easily washed away by a few simple utterances from those who are hateful... and that those I love most cannot undo the burden and pain that a person that means so little to me has caused.
I continue to try to pretend that I'm over everything and that I've moved on from my own sticky familial situation. But the truth is, do we ever really move on? No... but we can focus on remembering the good... because there were some good times! And although so often those joyful memories are clouded by the bad ones, you cannot allow that ugliness to invade YOUR heart and create in you the type of person who created that ugliness in your life in the first place...
I don't know if any of that makes sense... this post just really hit me strongly. I hurt for you, and your family, and for all families who have struggled with this type of situation. I know how hard it is to pray in this situation... and how hard it is to pray for "God's will to be done" when God's will could be something that isn't OUR will or desire.
Lately I've been praying that I'd find JOY in every situation. No matter how horrid the whole crappy mess may seem... what is the JOY in this situation?
I see such JOY that NEW relationships have been formed from this mess. You have been given an incredible gift through this disaster. A precious relationship that was once taken from you is now back and in full bloom. What a wonderful blessing!!!
My words are jumbled and it is far too late, but know that I love you and am here for you and am so sorry for this sticky messy burden that is laying on your heart...
Oh I'm right here with you Lorie. Sometimes it seems so impossible to reconcile a history with a current situation. I think though praying 'thy will be done' and truly meaning it has got to be one of the most difficult things to do and yet the most necessary. I don't have any great words of comfort aside from to say you can have complete comfort in the fact that God will redeem the situation, maybe not here on earth (although he very well may, he did with my brother) but he always cares for those he loves. Oh and our hearts are stronger than we think, one day your anger will be gone and it will surprise you to remember such anger.
loves to you.
The single, most difficult thing to remember is that God heals in time. Hope and joy will rise like a phoenix out of the ashes of this seemingly desperate situation if you can just be patient. But I also think it's perfectly appropriate to allow yourself to feel grief and (in moderation) anger over this circumstance as long as you don't allow it to hold you in place. Always push through the pain to the One who delivers us from anguish.
In the meantime, know that you and your family are so very loved and cared for, thought about regularly, and diligently kept in prayers.
Dear Lorie,
Of course I have no idea what this is about, but I wanted you to know it meant something to me that you shared a bit of your heart in the midst of it. I'm in a similar emotional boat with a biological father who I'd written off several years ago and yet the issue of his presence in my life has recently resurfaced by way of his wife's persistence. There are always so many colors and details that go in to painting the complete picture of such a thing, but I think our wading through it- the pain and anger in particular, are common. I somehow find encouragement in your struggle and feel that I am not alone in being unsure of how to deal. Thank you. God be with you and hold you up as he carries you to the other side of this "ugly," where the trees see the sun and rise up to praise Him.
I love you sweetie...mom...
you all have me crying.
thank you. you have no idea how much.
Lorie-like an ocean, grief comes in waves. sometimes we are ok and other times it hits us hard. And it is so difficult when someone hurts someone we love. we want to make it better for them, but we feel so helpless.
I know that we have to pick up our cross daily and sometimes it is by the minute(or even second). It's hard to forgive such hurts. I guess sometimes bad things happen and we just have to beg for God's mercy on us, so we'll be able to deal with the situation how he wants us to. I'll be praying that your heart will find peace. Love you and am here for you.
You've got me crying...I can so identify with your words. And I am praying for you, for the ones you love who are hurting. I'm so sorry that it so hard right now, dear friend-- but I rejoice that even in the midst of it the Lord is working out His perfect plan and will comfort you and those you love.
The way you brought in that hymn (one of my favorites!) throughout your painful thoughts was wonderful, and a true testament to your beautiful heart and godly spirit. God will bless you for your trust and hope, and give you those new mercies every morning when you need them the most.
2 Corinthians 1:2-7
Lorie,
Your words struck me to the very core! I could have written those very words. The Lord has brought me through a VERY difficult time these last 18 months. He is healing me hurt, putting the pieces of my broken heart back together and restoring my soul. He has restored relationships in my life that I thought were gone. He has surrounded me with friends who have only encouraged me and loved me through my situation. I know that he will continue to guide me through the difficult days ahead and I am confident that he will do the same for you. I knew, in the midst of my situation that, even though someone so very dear to me had desserted me . . . God never left my side.
I have no idea what you are facing, but know that you are not alone and that you are loved and being prayed for. May the God of all comfort, comfort you in your time of need.
Dios te bendiga! A faithful reader and prayer in Texas!!!
I'm reading all of this and feeling touched, overwhelmed by the vulnerability. This is why we need eachother. Because in the midst of so much pain, look at how you all have brought joy and encouragement into each other's lives. I am inspired!
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