Part Five: To be or Not to be?

Our first kiss came the first week of August. A few weeks later my parents and my brother and Scott’s childhood friend Ryan, packed our stuff and flew to San Antonio to see my brother graduate from the Air Force. It was emotional for so many reasons. I hadn’t seen my brother in three years. I had never met his wife. I was so proud of what he had just accomplished, yet nervous about what his life would be like, and if I would ever really be a part of it again. I called Scott to tell him my fears, my thoughts. I felt for the first time, completely vulnerable with him. He knew everything that had gone on with my brother since he had left for college, but hadn’t had to deal with it on a day to day basis like I had. He was so supportive and understanding. He said he’d been praying for me and would continue too. And I needed it. But I remember beginning to wonder, being so exposed to so many emotions that weekend, whether I was interested in Scott because I was yearning to fill the void of an older brother, and he being his friend, was an adequate replacement, or if I did truly have romantic feelings for him. When I returned from Texas I pushed these thoughts aside and moved forward in our relationship. He was fun and at the time that’s all the mattered. I didn’t want to be bogged down with anything like reality, for example.

A few months later, on October 13^th, Scott’s old brother Brad married Colleen. Scott had made such a big deal about that weekend, pretending he wasn’t going to invite me. He’d say “if you play your cards right maybe I’ll invite you to the wedding”. I sent him a deck of Elvis Presley playing cards and hoped for the best. That weekend was so much fun and another occasion that I was, once again, welcomed whole heartedly and without hesitation by the whole Chambless crew. I spent the morning of the wedding cutting and arranging flowers for center pieces and helping however I could. I got all dressed up and Kerri even did my hair. I went to find Scott before the pictures were starting and I remember blushing at all the attention he gave me. All the groomsmen whistled and gave me a hard time. I loved the look on his face when he saw me. Such delight. It made the heat in my cheeks burn even more. After the wedding we wandered through the beautiful gardens of the Cambria Pines Lodge and found a bench and watched the stars. I sat and he laid, putting his head in my lap. I ran my fingers through his hair and we talked and enjoyed the beautiful surroundings. I sat there, in complete peace and thought to myself, I'm really smitten with this guy.

In December we drove to Santa Barbara for the day. On the way there as we disagreed yet again about what music to listen to, this small voice inside of me, the one I had silenced when I returned from Texas, decided to speak up again. Do I really like this guy? Or is this just easy? Is he just a nice guy with a great family? You’re so different. You can’t even agree on music. Why am I dating him? Crap, I don’t want to break up with him. That’s going to really suck. I had developed quite a habit of running from things instead of dealing with them. Mr. Colgate wasn’t working, dumped him. Mr. Serious didn’t try very hard, dumped him. It was easier then facing issues. Because why deal with issues? Just move on. That was my solution to everything. And on the way to Santa Barbara I had pretty much convinced myself that it was only a matter of time before I ran from Scott.

We drove up in the hills of Montecito and I took pictures of him out in the creeks. None of them turned out, I had a lot to learn about lighting and photography back then. We had dinner and headed to the beach in time for the sunset. The sky was amazing. And we sat and talked and held hands. And something in me changed. I’d like to say I had an epiphany; that I had some brilliant occurrence, some act of God that changed my mind, but it wasn’t. I don’t know what happened that day and on that beach but on the drive home I knew I was in this thing for the long haul. Regardless of what our issues were, I was going to work through them with him. I wasn’t going to run.

In January on our way home from visiting Brad and Colleen in San Francisco we had our first fight. It was our first lesson in expectations. We had to learn to let the other person know what ours expectations are so as not to be disappointed and therefore be frustrated. I think we’re still learning the lesson. Does that lesson ever end? It was the worst car ride ever. A solid hour of fighting and then a solid hour of silence. We made up in time to stop and shop at the Gilroy Outlets though, because come on, clothes shopping is important.

The following months were spent driving back and forth from the beach and Bakersfield. He would come home and I would go there. Scott wanted to take me hiking on Bishop but we didn’t even make it to the base of the mountain when I started getting nauseated and weak from not eating breakfast, not to mention completely overheated so we rested, hiked back down and went golfing instead. If you consider golfing hitting a bucket of balls and acting like it hadn’t been ten years since I picked up a club. What chicks do for guys...

See that path leading down to the cars which are not that far away?
Yeah, that's how lame I am. I told you we were never very fit.

We would go to the movies and to the Sycamore Mineral Hot Springs. I tried to make up our botched hiking trip by taking him to a very overly ambitious hill off Highway 166 and had a close encounter with a king snake and a lot of deer. I still have a rock I kept from that day.

And seeing as Scott lived one block up from the beach in Pismo we spent a lot of time at the beach, much to his dismay. I was a girl that loved to lie on the beach and people watch, tan my white body and read a good book. I was also in the midst of my very first photography class and would try to use the beach in whatever way I could to complete assignments. I have a lot of black and white negatives from that time. Scott lathered and re-lathered himself with sunscreen, wore a hat and sunglasses and didn’t complain much for some who would rather go to the dentist then spend a leisurely day on the beach. The things guys do for love.

Dude to be that skinny again...

But love was never mentioned. We still appeared to be more like two best friends who held hands and made out then two kids in love. But Valentines Day was approaching, and Scott was about to mix it up a bit.