So this week has been, well, off. (duh)
I've wrestled with exhaustion and a weary disposition. I'm the kind of women who loves to be pregnant. I relish it. I love the slow and steady developments of my body and the baby growing within me. I smile with every kick and even the occasional somersault. I laugh through the gas, the unending appetite and I attempt to just roll my eyes through all those comments from EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER about the "appropriate" amount of weight to gain, or not gain.
So imagine my surprise when for the last two days I'm annoyed at my unborn child. Annoyed at this little being that has no idea how tired his/her mom is and how the constant kicking at my ribs is no longer cute but more like an incessant whining, similar to that of the obnoxious two year old at Target yesterday who for a solid two minutes (and I'm not exaggerating) yelled " I WANNA TRY I WANNA TRY I WANNA TRY I WANNA TRY I WANNA TRY I WANNA TRY"
at his mom because he wanted to try on the sunglasses that she was trying on.
I've been grouchy, grumpy, tired, irritable, uncomfortable, hungry, not hungry, and not to mention annoying to anyone around me.
It could be the amount of pressure I feel. I'm a mere two months away from delivering a baby. A person. A human being. Someone completely dependent on me. I've been excited up until this point, and don't judge me, I'm still excited. But I'm daunted by the task ahead of me. I know I'll be a good mom. I've had amazing examples of how to parent from not only my parents and parents-in-law, but my sisters-in-law have made me feel more prepared for this then I ever thought I could be. I know it will be hard. I know it won't be easy. I know that all those things I think I know will go out the window and I'm sure a lot of the time I'll be cruising through on instinct. But it's not that I don't think I can do this, I can. God never gives us anything we can't handle. But I'm afraid. Exhausted at the thought of all that will happen to me in the next few months. Exhausted at the thought of this being a 24 hour job. Exhausted at the fact that I have two weddings to shoot this weekend. Exhausted at the fact that I have yet to even start the baby bedding, or pick a paint color. Exhausted with not feeling blissful.
I crave my bed right now. The comfort of cool sheets and new pillows. With the fan on, the window cracked and my dog asleep at the foot of my bed (or under the bed). All I want to do is be there. To sleep away my exhaustion, knowing that tomorrow is another day. A day where I will realize that all of the things that make me tired don't really matter. Because I am having a baby. Me. God chose me to have a baby. This baby. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.
4 comments:
Hang in there. I love you cuz.
...and there will be days when you have the baby where you feel like this , but then when your hold your baby and smell that sweet smell and realize that this baby is uniquely yours and God has blessed you both with each other....and all those thoughts will pass and you'll never even remember feeling them. Exhaustion just becomes reality :)
We can be exhausted together... don't worry. We won't tell the boys. But I can already see days of us being like, "hey, bring your kid over for its nap... lets sit on the sofa, eat all the naughty foods and drink all the naughty drinks we couldn't while we were pregnant, and just watch old reruns of Friends or something..."
Ahhh. :) Little retreats like that will keeps us going. :)
It is good to know you will be tired and it won't be easy but I gotta say, that time when you and your baby feel like the only two people who are awake in the whole world and he locks eyes with you and you are giving him what no one else in the entire world can, well those quiet moments are worth it all.
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