Henry's Arrival

Literally seconds after Dr. Tsai left the room Alissa started to bark orders.

Lorie, roll over on your side!
Roll over on your other side!
Quick, move fast, get on your hands and knees!
(Remember, just had an epidural, um CAN'T move fast!)

As Scott helped me up on to my hands and knees, I panicked.
The chuck pad below where I had just been sitting had a dark green-brown substance on it.
Guilt, panic, and more guilt sunk in. I knew for sure it was meconium, and that it was all my fault that my baby wasn't doing well.
(Later I was told it was iodine from the epidural, whew!)

Then Alissa spoke again.
She grabbed my hand, leaned down into my face and said:

I'm not liking what this baby is doing and I'm very concerned. I think the baby had a very big bowl movement and it's affecting the heart rate. We're going to take you to the OR and hope everything stabilizes but no matter what we're going to have a healthy baby okay? Hang on.

And just like that, the rails came up and they wheeled me out of my room and down the hall. I remember Alissa yelling for assistance as she pushed me out of the room. She yelled for someone to grab the doctor, we were having an emergency. Scott walked next to me, I can't remember if he was holding my hand. I was just laying on my side. Numb. Numb to what was really happening to me. Numb to the seriousness of the situation. This is something you see on Grey's Anatomy, this doesn't happen in real life. I'm not going to have a C-section, remember? That was not something I planned.

I prayed. I wanted to cry but couldn't. And I couldn't even form words to pray. Just "God, help me. Help the baby" over and over again.

Then they wheeled me into a room and made Scott stand in the hallway.

I was alone.

I remember Alissa fumbling with the heart monitor and it not working.
Then she got a different one going. The heart rate kept dipping.
In all the chaos no one spoke to me. Now looking back it seems odd that no one communicated to me what was going on, but in the moment I was in shock. No one said they were going to do a C-section. All of a sudden I was being pulled on to an operating table, a curtain went up and I could feel the sensation of tape and sheets being applied to my belly. I remember closing my eyes, praying. I heard a nurse say something about getting the father to sign consent forms. Then I heard the shaver and felt them shaving me. And Alissa said to me, "don't worry dear, we won't charge you for the bikini wax". I know she was trying to keep a very scary situation light, and oddly, I clung to those words. Feeling like if she could crack a joke at a time like this, everything was going to be okay.

The anesthesiologist came in and started shooting drugs into my epidural line, which felt like lines of ice water shooting down my back. Then very quickly I lost all feeling in most of my body. I could feel my arms and move my fingers, and I could feel sensations in my abdomen and legs, but couldn't feel the pain. The anesthesiologist kept trying to talk to me. But 90% of what he said I don't remember hearing. He was trying to tell me side effects of drugs, and what to expect but the only thing I could hear was my head screaming "where is my husband!" Everybody in the room commenting how great it was that I'd already had an epidural, that they didn't have to knock me out. I can't even imagine how much more traumatic the situation would have been if I had been under.

Then I felt the scalpel. It didn't hurt, it felt like someone took a ball point pen and drew a line across my belly.

And then there was Scott. I barely recognized him behind his blue scrubs and mask, but there he was. Holding my hand. His eyes full of worry, but definitely trying to fake calm for me. Just seeing him made me want to bawl. This was not what we had thought would happen. We didn't ever anticipate this. And yet here we are, gripped with fear and unknown and all we could do was stare at each other. He tried to make me smile. He leaned forward and said " I can see inside of you!"

I had to turn away and close my eyes when they started tugging. It didn't hurt, but the pushing and pulling on my belly was so intense. And it seemed to go on forever. Then I heard someone say "the head is out". I looked at Scott and he glanced over and then back at me. I couldn't read his eyes. I couldn't figure what he was thinking. And I'm glad I didn't. Much later he would confess that he thought the baby was dead. When they finally got the head out (they had to use the vacuum because his head was wedged so far down) it was dark purple and limp. And he didn't know what to think so he just looked at me and tried to focus just on me. He didn't see them pull the body out, because he was afraid to look.

I felt the relief of the baby being pulled from my body. My body suddenly felt so empty, so light.
For a split second nothing.

Then I heard the smallest of whimpers.The anesthesiologist said "It's a Boy!" I looked at Scott, and said "I was right!" And a few seconds later the wale of my son's first cries filled the room. Good, healthy, screaming.

And I finally broke down. I cried. I looked at Scott and cried. We had a son.