I feel fulfilled in ways I never knew I could be.
I also feel lost, useless, bored, frustrated. And that has came as a surprise.
I always felt that becoming a mom would in some way magically make me feel more complete.
Like I could take a big sigh of relief in knowing my lot in life.
But surprisingly, during my first week alone as a mom, when Scott officially went back to work, and my mom wasn't stopping by every day, I felt boredom creep in. And maybe it was just fear.
It settled over me like a thick blanket, blocking out all the light, faking security.
This was it.
This was what I had wanted since I was a little girl.
This was what I had wanted since like oh, I dunno, 2 minutes after I said I do to Scott.
And yet here I was, afraid that I had done something terrible, knowing I couldn't take it back. There was no undo, or delete button. This was a permanent, black sharpie written chapter in my life that was just beginning. The days were long. I longed for 4:20 to roll around because then my best friend would come home and join me in my struggle of pretending to know what to do with this child.
I didn't like it. I didn't like that I wasn't blissful. That I wasn't savoring every detail of every day. Soaking up every moment like a sponge, knowing they would never happen again. But I found myself just surviving.
Dramatic I know. I don't want to classify my emotional state as postpartum depression.
I wasn't depressed, just confused.
But here I am 5 weeks later. I won't lie and say that I don't still have days that I long for a quiet morning, my old body, an uninterrupted shower. But I've fallen into my role.
And with great joy.
I love how my son will lay his head on my shoulder when I burp him. I love the smirk on his face when he's done eating. I love how I could giggle as he farted down every aisle of the super market. I love how this morning he smiled at me. And it wasn't gas, it was a genuine smile for his mama. I wanted to cry. I wanted to sing. But I couldn't take my eyes off of this little person, the embodiment of what I longed for.
Smiling at me.
And I know there will be days, hours, minutes that I'm literally just surviving this journey,
But right now I'm finally savoring every minute.
12 comments:
Gasp. Do I see traces of hair?!?! :)
sweet baby boy, I miss him and it has only been like 2 days since I've seen you two!!!
I remeber feeling really bored and helpless at times...it started to fade slowly and after the 3 month mark I rarely felt it. Getting out of the house really helped. Henry is just precious!
ahhhhhh welcome to the baby blues. i cried and cried and cried for about 3 weeks after brandon. it isnt depression just your hormones fixing themselves. it is harder on us because we had boys and we had to lose those new hormones we just got used to housing.
i remember once crying because i hadnt cried in an hour and that overwhelmed me.
Oh Lorie, I know exactly what you are feeling! I love how real you are about motherhood. That first month is so hard and overwhelming. So many emotions we are experiencing. My second month was better but I went through a period where I missed work and envied my husband because he got to go back to work. I felt bored. But around 3 months it changed and the thought of going back to work was dreadful. Now, all I want to do is be home with my little boy forever! You'll probably go through a similar transition into being a stay at home mom. Henry is so, so cute!
Never underestimate the power of the hormone. I thew me for a loop after my daughter was born. I felt so much the same...I had waited my entire life to be a Mama and I wasn't completely content and fulfilled? What? It gets better, way way better especially as they grow and interact so much with you, also your hormones will even out and you will find ways to feed that creative side of you that benefit both you and Henry and that feels doubly good.
Then if you're like me just when you feel like you are starting to figure out how to manage your days effectively you get pregnant and start the whole roller coaster again! Ahh the continuous joys of Motherhood. Even with all the ups, downs and sometimes sideways I wouldn't change it for the world.
So glad you are able to stay home and revel in that little creature. I know it's so cliche but you just can't ever get these days back.
boredom: i know it all too well. the beginning is so weird. once everything goes back to life as it used to be such as husbands working and no constant visitors wanting to help you, its like this baby is out of context almost. people told me to get out of the house but its hard when you dont feel normal still and you have to put the baby in the carseat, take him out, get out the stroller, etc. all that stuff gets tiring. BUT it really is worth it i think. even if its just a walk or going to your parents house, change of environment was great for me. im still working on figuring out this new life of ours and trying not to spend my day just waiting for mike to get off work. it really is easier now that he plays and smiles and laughs. if you EVER are bored and want to hang out give me a call! hes just beautiful.
I like how you expressed that... I think every first-time moms feels some of the same feelings. I remember feeling GUILTY too. Guilty because I WASN'T enjoying every minute and completely over-the-top happy, and guilty because I DID miss my old life and body, my uninterrupted time with husband and friends. And of course that only made the whole thing worse. :) But it's always just a matter of time before it really clicks and falls into place, and before you know it you wouldn't ever dream you didn't used to be a mom... I'm glad you're finding yourself in your little niche now. You sound like an amazing mommy to your oh-so-cute little boy.
so, um, just wonderin'... are you EVER going to call me???? ;)
Ahhh...what you're saying is all too familiar to me. It makes me feel good that others feel the way I felt. Just know that you are not alone in this journey they call motherhood. We all feel the way you do. :)
Oh Lor...so perfectly said.
That picture of Henry is so sweet. I felt the same way, but like everyone said, it gets better.
Bored? Oh, I would love to be mind-numbingly bored for just one night. To just have my brains ooze right out of my head as I watch some mindless show on tv. I guess with 3 kids, bored is a luxury I will not have for a while. Sorry you had a rough go-of-it in the beginning. I had no idea--I used to be so perceptive. I thought you were just in pain. Well, glad you are settlin in to your new role.
i long for 4:20, too. he he, yeah.
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