Self realization has crippled me in so many areas of my life. Insecurities and fear weigh me down. This spring, many changes have occurred in my life. Each bringing it's own emotional roller coaster, spinning and pulling me this way and that. One minute I'll feel great, climbing up, just about to see over the top, believing to be on top of it all. The next minute I'm in the decent, fast and brutal at times, shaking me to my very core. Then I'm pulled around and pushed back up in the sky only to be flipped upside down and brought back down. I've never been one to handle change well. I wonder if as humans we ever really are. As Christians we're taught that there is no real "comfort zone". That this is not our home, that we will be persecuted, tested, pushed and pulled. Sometimes it's easy to feel like this is our home. That we should invest our all in to our lives here; buy this car, build this house, have this many children, wear these clothes, be successful in your chosen career whatever the cost. And I think this is wear my struggles lie. I'm so easily bruised by the very people I love, the people I invest in. I'm so easily afflicted by the disease of self doubt.
Never feeling good enough.
Never feeling adequate.
Feeling...lost.
At a time such as this, I should be pouring my heart and soul out to the Lord, the only true comforter. Knowing that He alone can nurse my wounds. He alone can bring clarity.
Yet, stubborn me, treads on. Thinking I can handle this.
I'm a grown up.
I can handle this.
Then I'm once again found hurt, angry, out of control.
At church we've been studying and learning about marriage. And in the book that our bible study is going through it talks about the crazy cycle in marriage. Men need respect. Women need love. But men don't love correctly when they're not feeling respected, and women don't show respect when they're not loved correctly. And around and around the cycle goes.
I feel I'm in a crazy cycle with God. Over and over I'm given opportunities to find Him and draw near to him. But I'm lazy. Proud. So I walk alone. And then time and time again I'm presented with reasons why I need him. But I walk on, alone. Creating more heartache, more damage.
I'm learning the importance of breaking the crazy cycle with God. I know in my heart that walking with Him is where I should be. That He desires that from me. And that while my life will not suddenly get easier-if anything it'll get harder-but knowing that I'm not in control, and that's okay will ultimately make this journey more enjoyable.
But it's a choice. A daily choice.
Get up, pick up your cross, and walk by faith.
And until I do, when I do, I will continue to stumble, continue to feel out of control.
Continue to feel Lost. What a scary way to live.
And all the while there He'll be, patiently waiting.
Amazing Grace huh?
6 comments:
You know you're a pretty amazing woman to admit your insecurities and where you fall short. But I hope that you know you're not alone. Having faith is very nearly impossible, well real faith anyway. As humans, aren't we naturally inclined to disbelieve that which we cannot see? From one stumbler to another I hope you can remember that God gives us endless opportunities to choose the right path, and if He can forgive us, shouldn't we forgive ourselves?
Lorie, as always, your words are perfect and articulate what so many of us feel (well, me at least)! I heard a song on the radio yesterday that so resonates with this. It was about not being the prettiest, or the most talented, or the most successful but realizing that that's not what we're called to be. (I'm lame with music but it was something like that.) It immediately spoke to me. Why are we so hard on ourselves, constantly comparing? You are created EXACTLY as God wanted you to be and are equipped for HIS good works. Yes, that takes coming again and again. But His arms are always open wide. You are awesome!
so wish you could just come to seattle for a day or two and we could chat over coffee again. I'm right there with you.
It is amazing how we always feel so alone, and wonder how everyone else is making it and so uber-confident... and when all actuality we all (or most of us) feel the same aloneness, the same insecurities, the same fears... yet we all walk around with the facade of confidence instead of saying "hey! This is me!!! i don't have it all together!" It is a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels like I'm on a crazy cycle with Christ... good for you for admitting it and being so willing to let the lord transform you into what is good and pleasing to HIM... not what is good and pleasing to the WORLD. i love you sister!
Lorie Love! And just the other day you were writing about poop...and now look how introspective you are. You are one of the most talented people I know-beautiful photographer, expert sewer, scrapper, and writer...not to mention just cute! So it befuddles me that you are sometimes unsure of yourself. However, I find it sweet and charming. And you are so dead on right that this world is not our home. Thanks for the reminder. It's so easy to get swept away. I love you!
Beautiful you, beautiful post!! You're amazing.
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