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I walked up breathless to her window and told her my name and appointment time and apologized for being tardy. We covered the usual insurance/paperwork, I asked her name and thanked her by name (something I've learned goes a LONG way) and sat and took a deep breath for maybe the second time today (more on that later). I looked around at a very empty waiting room. Come to think of it, so was the adjoining room. Is 3:40 just the perfect time to go or what? I barely settled in when I was called back. Diamond was her name. I don't think I'll be forgetting that. After being weighed (joy) and peeing in a cup (double joy) I got the usual blood pressure/temperature check. She was friendly enough and chatted easily with me. I liked her already. But girls and Diamonds usually get along no?

I was ushered to my room and as I sat patiently I read the numerous thank you notes and saw all the cute baby pictures with smiling couples in the hospital with my doctor holding wee little ones. I started to read the notes. "Thank you for saving my babies life...I'm healing nicely from my c-section", "Thank you for taking care of my daughter and being so quick and wise with your decision for a c-section...", "thank you for all your encouragement and support during my delivery, and even after we decided on a c-section...".

I started to feel uneasy.

Then I read this one.

"I can't tell you how disappointed I was when my at home birth attempted was thwarted by a baby that would not come. I so appreciated all your efforts and support in allowing me to continue to labor naturally while at the hospital. And even though we did finally decide to c-section due to my baby never crowning, I thank you for being so supportive..."

Not my will, but His be done...

I took a deep breath and in he walked.

He was a little warmer than I remember. More confident. He had an ease about him that I didn't remember. But I instantly remember why I liked him. He has a countenance, a demeanor that just puts me at ease. I remember in those few hours leading up to and then after Henry's birth that he was very thorough. He really listened to me.

We instantly dove in. He has no problem with me trying for a VBAC. He let me know of the risks.

"There is a 1% chance, well actually less than that of something going wrong-"

"Right, .07% chance, I've read"

He smiled. I think he was pleased. Pleased that I was informed. That I'd done my research. That I wasn't just someone saying something, but someone who understood what they were inquiring about. It might have annoyed some doctors, and maybe it did him, but his warmth and understanding continued on.

He explained his reasons and the possible conditions in which a c-section would be wise. All the factors that can't be determined until closer to the time of delivery. All of which I agreed with.

I explained to him my "healthy fear" of the things that can go wrong, and that I had no problem deciding to switch to c-section due to issues leading up to delivery or even during delivery if things aren't progressing/succeeding the way we hope.

He kept asking if I had any more questions.

Oh, I had lots.

Questions regarding several scenarios and situations that led up Henry's birth that I wonder/feel like contributed to his decreased heart rate during delivery and ultimately causing our c-section.

And he answered them all. His confidence continuing and my endearment to him growing.

I'm not looking at him as the perfect answer to all my problems. I realize that at the last minute or even weeks before, my heart could change, my body could change, the baby could change and things might still not end up the way I have hoped.

But he's going to let me try. He's going to support me. He's going to do what he knows is best while respecting what I desire. Isn't that what we want in a doctor? Someone that we trust?

With all this being said he very well could not be the doctor that delivers me. If I'm not lucky enough to deliver in the middle of the day on a week day than I get whatever doctor from this medical group who is on call. But after hearing about a handful of these other doctors also allowing and supporting VBAC's, I'm just going to be praying. Praying that the right doctor is there when I go into labor, which ever doctor that might be. I'm going to be praying that I would have peace, regardless of the outcome. And most importantly, I'm going to be praying that regardless of how he/she makes their arrival, that Wheezy will be safe and healthy. And the best part of it all? He is already there. He already knows. He has this all under control. I find so much comfort in knowing that my Savior is already preparing me, preparing Wheezy, preparing my doctor for whatever the outcome might be. Isn't that just awesome?

So while my entire day seemed to be my hurrying from one place to the next; a frenzy of unorganized, unplanned chaos, for that one hour I was calm. I was relieved. And I am so thankful.

Oh, and BTW, Wheezy is the bean's nick name....it's a long story. But Wheezy it is.

and yes, I did in fact right this at 4 in the morning. I do not remember pregnancy insomnia kicking in this early last time. ARG.