much to say, much to keep to myself

so much on my heart these days.

most of them rejoices.

babies expected, little boys and girls eagerly anticipated. oh it does my heart good.
(and if we're being a bit honest, makes my womb ache for another.)

friends celebrating restoration.
in their marriages, in their families, in new jobs and moves and being led (and obediently following) the Lords calling.

my boys.
oh those sweet blonde headed boys. I'm not sure what the Lord is trying to teach me, me NOT THE MORNING PERSON, being gifted these very early risers. You're funny Lord, really funny. ;) they keep me on my toes. they drive me bonkers with their incessant "whys". but how I celebrate their curiosity, their little minds soaking up information. I need to remember to be thankful, even in the hard, mind-numbing circles of "why".

ben.
his dimples. his little mischievous grin. oh he does me in. how he can have red eyes and crocodile tears running down his cheeks and if I give him a look, it'll crack his whole face into a grin. oh man that kid kills me. his spunk. his defiance. his desire to do everything just like his brother. no compromising. no taking the easy route. everything, just like Henry. his vocabulary growing day by day. his litte "lap" as he pants the floor next to him, requesting I participate in whatever he's doing. Oh his little "lap". so ridiculously sweet. how even though it's far from sandal weather, his love for his black sandals that he can so proudly put on all by himself. I'll admit, my OCD cringes every time he walks out of his room with his socks and sandals on. but my OCD is being shelved. because the pride of his accomplishment is just too much to be crushed over my own vanity. so we're rocking socks and sandals over here. and loving it.

henry.
his sweet spirit, his unquenchable desire to know more. where we going next? what are we going to do after that? after lunch where we gonna go? why? when? why? oh man, that kid could run circles around me. and he does. his love for his mommy is unwavering. and I'll take it. far too soon, he'll be "over me". I love his requests for me to play with him, as hard as it is to always say yes, I want to say yes more. work and house hold and cooking, and phone calls and texting etc. it can all wait. my 4 year old wants me to play puzzles. or legos. and I want to remember doing those things. soaking him up as much as he soaks up me. oh how I love him.

in a matter of days I'll get to hug my brother. hug my sister. snuggle (a bit too much, and a bit too long) my new nephew. I'll get to drink in his snuggly newborn self. so much to be thankful for this year, but those three might just take the cake this year. or in this case, a lot of thanksgiving pie. I love holidays and family and being together. oh I just can't wait for next week. it can't get here soon enough.

and yet I still let stuff lay heavy in my heart. I forget, that it's not solely my burden to bear. in fact I'm really not carrying them at all. it's just an illusion that I have any control, any pull, any push. I'm only to release it to my father, who, BTW already knows. and knows the outcome. He's designed this for me, for us. and that excites me. to see what He's doing. I know my Father gives much and expects much. to which I don't want to fall short. I want to give all. ALL. fearlessly. because on the other side, is freedom.

how I long to be free.

just some randoms from my days. because as hard as some days are, they are all great days.