Brave.

All last week we were out of town.
We enjoyed the most amazing week away in the mountains as a family of four. No cell reception, no internet, lots of books and puzzles and movies and kayaks and canoes and milkshakes and chili cheese fries. No smog, blue skies, silence (aside from the meal bells and occasional roar from the nearby camps). It was bliss.

We kept asking Henry if he was excited about school. After a summer of begging, pleading, "today I go to school mommy? Tomorrow? Tomorrow I'm going to school?" And here we were a week out and he would tremble when you mentioned school. Shook his head, eyes down, "I don't want to go to school". I had considered cutting our trip short in order to make it back in time to meet his teacher that Friday. But I didn't. I regretted it.

Saturday I bustled out early in order to avoid the throngs of people back to school shopping at the last minute. I had a short list, three things. Still somehow had to go to two stores. Picking through the school supplies with Henry I could feel his enthusiasm grow. My mom was sweet enough to tag along and pick up our tab. Crayons and glue sticks and dry erase pens. And a batman coloring book from the dollar section for good measure.

I struggled with self doubt. With worrying about appearances.
*I didn't buy him any new clothes. My mother-in-law did, but they're a tad on the large size so he refuses to wear them.
(Insert ENORMOUS eye-roll and exasperated breath right there)
*I didn't buy him a new back pack with a Spiderman em-blazed on it as he would have liked. The motorcycle one he's had since he was two is still in perfect condition. I couldn't bring myself to let him even near the Darth Maul folders for feared he'd want them. Good gravy that guy gives me the creeps.
* He did end up with new shoes. The likes of which he has yet to take off in the last four days. Well, except for bed time.
* Did his teacher already think poorly of me because we weren't there on Friday?
* Will I annoy her if I buy the 48 pack of crayons instead of the 24 that were requested?
* What if these dry erase pens are the wrong ones?

I kept trying to remember that this was about HIM. He needed to thrive. He needed to be brave. He needed to feel secure. I had to pull it together because how can I expect him to be those things if I wasn't modeling them?

I had so many moments of panic.
What if he fell down? Was hurt? What if he has one of his meltdowns? What if the other kids pick on him? What if he can't make friends? What if he tries but they're just mean? What if he needs me and I'm just not there?

Worry and fear and doubt filling my head and heart.

On Sunday night we had dinner at my moms.

Henry walked over to Uncle Dave to show him his new shoes.

Their conversation went something like this:

"Are you so excited for School?"

"Yeah."

"Are you nervous or afraid?"

"No."

"Well, that's good, why aren't you afraid?"

"Because God is with me."

Tears sprung to my eyes.
Faith of a child.
Yes, my dear sweet boy.
Your Maker and Father, the God the universe, is with you where ever you go.
We are to Fear Not.

Here I was the fearful one.
And God spoke to ME through my brave not quite five year old boy.

I am with you where ever you go. Joshua 1:9
(Henry's Sunday school verse this month. Coincidence? Nope. God's so cool)

The morning of.
Not our best morning.
Not our worst.
I told him to go get dressed and braced myself for whatever he picked.
I was not going to fight him on clothes today, it was going to be all his decision.
(You, know, unless the mixing of stripes and plaids were unbearable)
But he picked one of my favorites.
He happily let me do his hair.
He insisted I tie his pirate flag to his back pack.
We managed to have a celebratory breakfast out. Just me and my mini men.
French toast and scrambled eggs and stacking and re-stacking the jams and creamers.







We got to school eaaaarrrllllllly.

 

A boy and his mom and little sister walked up.
Cohen was shy and hid from Henry's questions.

A few more came.

A boy with a spiderman backpack and blue shirt came up with his mom.
Henry's eyes lit up.

"Hey blue shirt! Was your name?"

The little boy stuttered out his name, he too, nervous.

Aaron.

I smiled. And breathed a sigh of relief.




Henry and Aaron were as thick as thieves in about two seconds.
Standing against the wall. Waiting for their turn. And then fleeing to the playground as soon as they got a chance.

{a quick pic with our cousins who are in the morning class!}

 

When it was time to line up and go into their class they didn't come back together. Henry stood several back from him in line and then recognizing the blue shirt;

"Hey blue shirt!"

{Henry, Aaron, his name is Aaron}

"Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!"

I had this slight moment of panic, what if Aaron had grown tired of Henry on the play ground? Or found someone else he liked more? What if Henry's heart is broken the very first day?

-{ yes, this is all very irrational, but for reals, I was an irrational, emotional mess, teetering on the break of mommy melt-down}-

Aaron turned around and his face lit up,

"Oh hey!"

deep breathe.

 

{bye mom, you can stop taking pictures now}



And off they went. Like it was no big deal. Like they've done this before.

{one last peek and picture through the window. Gah H&A are sitting on the rug together. LOVE}



God was with him. God IS with him. How simple. How obvious. So thankful.

So here we goooooo. Our lives will never quite be the same. And better for it.