four navy blue shirts

So many things running circles in my head. And while this blog of mine has become more of a picture display that it used to be, it is still my space to think out loud. And so that's what I'm doing.

I'm at a pause in my life. I have two sweet, crazy, busy boys. They bring so much joy to my life and in so many ways, feel like such a completion; a perfect stopping place. Which is such a shocking thought for me. I've always sworn up and down I would have four children. My husband is one of four. My best friend growing up was one of five. I've been drawn to large families for a long time.

There was a time in my life when my brother walked away from our family. A prodigal son, through and through. It goes without saying that it was an incredibly difficult time for us. And when we were in the thick of it, it felt like it would never end. At one point I even remembering telling people I was an only child. Because I felt like I was. I felt alone. I longed for someone (other than my parents) to understand and go through the trenches with me. And that cemented in my heart the desire for more than two children. Whomever I married would have no choice in the matter, I wanted at least three children.

I met Scott...well I already knew him, so it was more of a "opening my eyes and really seeing Scott" ...and he was on board with a large family. 3-4 we always said.

Then we had Henry. :) The first time I saw him I thought he looked just like my brother. I joked (rather creepily it now sounds) that it felt like I was nursing a mini-David the first few days. And since many wounds had healed and reconciliation with my brother had occurred, I loved that I had a piece of him with me. I had no idea he would resemble my brother in more ways than just his appearance.

He is sweet to the core. Difficult and stubborn. Strong willed. You can't force him to do anything without a kicking and screaming fit to follow (although this has lessened, thankfully, now that he is verbal). He has to find his own way. He is artistic. He fixates on one thing and loves that thing to death. I pray with all my might that the one thing he will cling to his whole life is his Savior.

I adore my Henry. Oh how I love that kid.

And then there's Ben. Snuggly, sweet, sneaky (like his mama, Lord help me). Crazy, mischievous, eager and able to keep up with his brother. My prayer for him currently? To stay alive ;) Why he hasn't broken his neck 14 times by now is beyond me.

Such a great compliment to the more stand-offish Henry.

And such a great pair they are. Even at their ages, that bring their own set of difficulties, they are great boys.

And part of me fears giving that up. What would a third or even fourth do to their dynamic?

My work is busy. And while I've started setting boundaries for myself for the sake of my family, it's busy. It's hard enough to leave them all day Saturday for a wedding or several nights a week for family sessions, but to add more? Could my mommy guilt handle it? Is Scott up to the task of managing more children by himself?

If you ask Scott, more often than not he'll say he's done. And that freaks me out. While I'm not sure a fourth will ever happen, I still feel like somebody is missing. Like our little family is missing somebody.

All this rambling today started because I had two of my friends boys today. Needing to get out of the house, and being inspired by my dear friend Ally's "adventure walk" idea, we set off. Four boys in navy blue shirts and a dog. Ryan, Henry, Jack & Ben. (They're names alone, all said together, make me happy, as if they were all mine. Don't they just sound like brothers?!)

If they were all mine, I would have an almost 5, and almost 4 years old and two 2 years olds. (yowser)

Binoculars. Better to see you with.



Stomping snails.





Rolly pollys. Sidenote: what are these actually called? Potato bugs?



Little feet and pointy fingers. I die.



Feather! (from a later to be discovered enormous dead crow. ick. watching the boys demonstrate how said crow died, pretty hilarious. It was determined he fell off the wall like humpty dumpty. I die again.)



sticks and all different kinds of tracks.















my snuggle bug only wanted to be carried. my right arm is buff.



shocker. he climbed something and then got stuck.



cause you never know when you might stumble upon a horseshoe!



so many treasures.





Jack Thomas, I'm so glad I didn't lose you. I think the whole neighborhood knows your name from me yelling and calling for you to stay with us. You, my dear boy, are a wanderer. :)



And with moments of peace, and sweetness, and discovery, and fresh air, and blue cloud-filled skies, and sweet tender moments, how could I not want more?



Oh dear me.

Lord, only you know the path of my life. Only you, the creator and designer of my inmost being know the plans designed for me. May I rest in the knowledge that you know what is best for me, for my husband, for our family. Thank you Lord for my sweet sweet boys. May I honor You in how I raise them. To You be all glory.