I am a people pleaser.
I want everybody to like me.
I don't like drama.
I don't want to stir it up.
I don't want to participate in it.
I don't want to gossip.
That being said.
I am not thoughtful with my words.
Or I guess, how my words affect other people.
Because I know that I'm not a malicious person doesn't mean that other people know that I'm not a malicious person.
And the cold reality is that things that have come out of my mouth have hurt people.
It truly breaks my heart. That things I said, that I did not take the time to think through, have hurt people. Have ended friendships. Have caused others to struggle. Have caused people to not like me.
{shutter}
And sadly, it's almost become my "thing".
There was that incident at a friends birthday where she received a beautiful pendant necklace and without thinking I blurted out that it looked like one of the vials of blood that Angelina Jolie wears.
Seriously Lorie. Shut. Up.
My friends are still laughing at me about that one. At least they're laughing at me.
There is a sweet boy in Henry's class that I've purposely tried to seek out his mom to compliment him to her but have never seen her. Today I finally did. She was walking with him ahead of me as we were crossing the street and my mouth worked faster then my brain, trying to get her to stop so I could talk to her;
"Are you C's mom or grandma?"
I instantly knew I was in the wrong. And I regretted the words as they were coming out of my mouth but it was too late. The insult was already dropped. When she turned I clearly knew she wasn't the grandma, but to be fair, from behind it was hard to tell.
I quickly stammered on, how I appreciated his heart. That he had prayed over our snack last week when I worked in their class and how I just loved that. She smiled and thanked me and we exchanged pleasantries about how we hope our boys hold on to their bold and child-like faiths. And then we parted ways.
And even though my intention was complimenting, I'm afraid the initial blow will be what resonates.
And I don't want to be that person. To not be thoughtful.
I want to be a giver.
An encourager.
Someone who directs you back to Christ.
I want to be wise.
Selfless.
To love without reservation.
I want to be honest.
But in a way that uplifts, not tears down.
If I have hurt you. I truly am sorry. You know who you are. I know who you are. My intention was never to hurt you. I'm deeply sorry that my thoughtlessness was misunderstood as maliciousness.
This is me. Shutting up.
Or at least praying that I learn too.
Because above all else I want Him to be glorifyied.
I want to run towards Him.
And I don't want to trip anybody along the way.
Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name
but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You
but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up
I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours
6 comments:
I love you, Lorie.
you have such a wonderful heart.
this post resonated with me, for it is all too easy to be thoughtless or hurt people.
when we stop and look at ourselves and the things we struggle with (because we ALL have them, whatever they may be) is when we realize how much we really need the Lord, isn't it? It's a good thing to realize anew each day.
God IS glorified in you, my friend.
Thanks for this post. I'm guilty of this too and it's amazing how just a few words can go a long way toward good or bad ways. So grateful that grace and mercy exist! Appreciate your transparency and your photo is an image I've had myself on more than one occasion.
ok, this made me cry. and laugh. about the tape.
we are all sinners. we all have things about us that only God can change. you are not alone. and it's awesome that you are being bold and honest.
i love you lorie beth!
You took the words right out of my mouth. I can so relate. I hate that words come out so easily, but hurt so deep. Our weekly quote at work was by Maya Angelou: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Sheesh. This hit me hard...especially as a teacher, friend, mother, wife, etc.
Thank God for His forgiveness and redemption. And we can hope that His followers will also find it in their hearts to move past our words.
:) You've got a good heart!
Oh Lorie Loo...I can't tell you how many times I cringe at things I have said (and still say). I am like you.. my words move faster than my brain sometimes. I have laid in bed SO many nights thinking of all the ways my words were wrong.
I have come to believe so much that our words are SO important and strong. I am having to allow God's grace to cover the words I can't take back or don't even realize I said. I encourage you (because I do it too) to try not to live in FEAR of your own words but pray for wisdom on when & how to use them. Ask for grace (it's already been given to you) to forgive yourself and remember, His mercies are new everyday.
My Eli is talker...he was once called a "chatty" boy in Kindergarten and came home crying. So we talked a lot about how God makes us...some of us are talkers some are quiet and shy. But regardless...we need to be WHO & HOW GOD MADE US with wisdom, grace, truth, etc. None of us are perfect. God made us the way we are for specific reasons and wants us that way in order to use us. Remember, above all, you are the way HE created you...sometimes our human-ness goofs it up a little. But know that your heart shines through SO much more...I've seen it.
Love you girl, glad I am not the only one. Being stretched and molded is hard huh?? So blessed to see that your heart loves others and loves Jesus.
i am the same way. my friends jokingly will call me "foot-in-mouth girl" sometimes because i have a knack for saying the most awkward things. sometimes i say things that cause the group of people i'm talking to go quiet and one of my friends will say "conversation grenade!" meaning i blew up the conversation. i know she means it as a joke but i wish i could control my awkward comments sometimes. i'm with ya girl.
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